Why Hasn't it Clicked for Me?

Why hasn't it - this weight loss thing - clicked for me?

I have tried losing weight off and on since I was eight years old, and I am now thirty-two.

And it hasn't clicked.

Sure, I have had success in the past. I can think of two times in my life that were the most successful.

The first was when I was in seventh grade, and my mom surprise attacked me with Weight Watchers. To the best of my recollection, she didn't tell me I was starting Weight Watchers until we were on our way to my first meeting. To say I was angry would be an understatement. A big understatement. I lost 13 pounds the first week. Would anyone else like to have the metabolism of a seventh grader again? I think my total weight loss was around 40 pounds, and I was still about 30 pounds overweight. The program stopped working for me when my mom stopped doing the bulk of the leg work for me. (That's not me blaming my mom, just stating a fact.)

The second time I was successful was when I was 23. I was using diet pills, and I had a ton of free time during the day. I used that free time to spend two hours at a time on a treadmill. Also, I don't recall eating a wide variety of food. Frozen chicken breasts were in my budget, and they were easy to cook on a George Foreman grill. I lost 25 pounds, and I was still about 70+ pounds overweight. I stopped losing weight when my gym shut down unexpectedly and I stopped taking pills.

Now I'm 32, and I am 189 pounds overweight (I only weighed a little over 189 pounds after I lost those 25 pounds when I was 23 - a thought that just made me nauseated and teary-eyed). As of this morning, I weigh 323.6 pounds. I have gained 26.6 pounds in the last year.

Almost two years ago, I set out with a renewed gusto to lose weight and blog about it. I think I lasted 10 days.

Why didn't it click?

Husby and I went to the doctor back in June, and we were both convicted again that we needed to lose weight. We walked once, and I think we ate a little better for a few days.

Why didn't it click?

As I'm typing this, I know I want to lose weight. I want to lose all 189 pounds of fat that weigh me down each and every day. I exercised this morning and drank a green goddess smoothie (for something that looks like it came out of a diaper, it's pretty tasty). I logged my exercise and my smoothie on My Fitness Pal. I read my blog posts from two years ago and actually felt a little motivated by my own words. I read someone else's blog. Could this be the start of something good?

Maybe.

Yet I fear that it won't click. Again.

So for those of you who have had success, big or small, how did it click for you? I hear regularly about people having "aha!" moments and being wildly successful. I think I've had those moments, but they don't last for me. How did you make yours last?

I'm not trying to sound whiney. I guess I just feel a little vulnerable right now, and I want to know how to make it click this time. I'm humble before the Lord, and I'm humble before you, asking for help.